Thoughts of Funny Quotes in English Love Life Sayings

Thought of the day Funny

I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

- Mitch Hedberg Thoughts

My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.

- Rose (Betty White)

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

Albert Einstein

Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.

- Ellen DeGeneres

At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

- Ann Landers

If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.

- Bill Vaughan

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

- Carl Sagan

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

- David Letterman

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

– Douglas Adams

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

- Douglas Adams

When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.

- Erma Bombeck

Funny Love Quotes List

When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

- Funny Love Quotes by Richard Lewis

When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

- Richard Lewis

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. by Rita Rudner

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

- Rita Rudner

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.Benjamin Franklin

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Benjamin Franklin

If you love something set it free,but don’t be surprised if it comesback with herpes.

- Chuck Palahniuk

If you love something set it free,but don’t be surprised if it comesback with herpes.

- Chuck Palahniuk Quotation

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

- Jackie Mason

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

- A Quotation From Jackie Mason

Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.

- Jeffree Star

Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.

- Jeffree Star

Short Funny Quotes in English

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. 

- Steven Wrigh

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

- Steven Wrigh

To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

- Doug Larson

To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

- Doug Larson

I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.

- Colonel Sanders

I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.

- Colonel Sanders

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

- Charlie Chaplin

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

- Charlie Chaplin

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

- Charlton Heston

He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.

- Charles de Gaulle

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

- Bill Maher

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.

- Ambrose Bierce

I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.

- Drake

I drink to make other people more interesting.

- Ernest Hemingway

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

- Erma Bombeck

Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.

- F. Scott Fitzgerald

You’re only as good as your last haircut.

- Fran Lebowitz

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.

- Spanish proverb

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

- Groucho Marx

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

- George Carlin

All men are equal before fish.

- Herbert Hoover

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

- George Carlin

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

- Jim Davis

I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.

- Marc Maron

I am only human, although I regret it.

- Mark Twain

Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.

- Jessica Simpson

God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.

- Meister Eckhart

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

- Naguib Mahfouz

Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.

- Mark Twain

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.

- Oliver Goldsmith

I can resist everything except temptation.

- Oscar Wilde

If you must make a noise, make it quietly.

- Oliver Hardy

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.

- Robin Williams

Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.

- Salvador Dali

I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.

-Sheldon Coope

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

- Steven Wright

Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.

- Voltaire

If you’re going through hell, keep going.

- Winston Churchill

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

- Yogi Berra

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

- Oscar Wilde

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

- Robert Frost

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.

- Wilhelm II

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

- Woody Allen

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you - but I’m not going to.

- Phil Connors

Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.


I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

- Tom Lehrer

I’ve come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out.

- John Fugelsang

We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness - and call it love - true love.

- Robert Fulghum

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.

- Jay Leno

That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.

- Midge Maisel

Funny Sayings in English

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Mitch Hedberg

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

-  by Arthur C. Clarke

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

Arthur C. Clarke

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

Ashleigh Brilliant

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Rodney Dangerfield

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

Oscar Wilde

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. 

- Funny Smile Quotes by Bill Murray

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Mark Twain

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

A. A. Milne

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.

Ashleigh Brilliant Download or Share

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Albert Einstein

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Abraham Lincoln

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

Albert Camus

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

Alexander Woollcott

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Alan Dundes

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

- Unknown Download or Share

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.

- Benjamin Franklin Download or Share

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

Anton Chekhov

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

- Steven Wright Download or Share

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Steven Wright Download or Share

I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

- Lily Tomlin

Don’t be so humble - you are not that great.

- Golda Meir

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.

- Steven Wright

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

- Abraham Lincoln

Funny Quotes about Life

Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.

- John Wayne

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

- Katharine Hepburn

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

- Al McGuire

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

- Bill Watterson

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.

- Cullen Hightower

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

- David Letterman

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

- Elbert Hubbard

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

- Helen Rowland

Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

- John Hughes

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

- Johnny Carson

That’s the funny thing about life. We’re rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.

- Lauren Miller

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

- Milton Berle

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

- Matt Groening

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

- Mark Twain

All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.

- Robert Breault

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

- Ron White

A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.

- Graham Norton

When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'

- Sydney J. Harris

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

- Will Rogers

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.

- Winston Churchill

A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

- Walter Bagehot

Funny Quotation List

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

- Bill Murray

The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

- Bertrand Russell

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

- Benny Hill

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

- Bernard Baruch

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

- Bertrand Russell

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.

- Betty White

Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

- Bill Vaughan

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

- Bob Hope

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!

- Billy Connolly

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.

- Ann Landers

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

- Andy Borowitz

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

- Andy Rooney

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

- Billy Connolly

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

- Billy Sunday

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

- Billy Wilder

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

- Buddy Hackett

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

- Caroline Rhea

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

- Charles Wadsworth

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

- Casey Stengel

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

- Charles M. Schulz

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

- Charles Lamb

High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

- Christopher Morley

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.

- Clarence Darrow

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

- Conan O’Brien

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'

- Claude Pepper

Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

- Bob Thaves

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

- Bryan White

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

- Clint Eastwood Quotation

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.'

- Conan O’Brien

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

- Dale Carnegie

Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.

- Daniel J. Boorstin

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.

- Dave Barry

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

- Dave Barry

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

- David Lee Roth

If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?

- Cynthia Heimel

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

- Dalai Lama

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

- Demetri Martin

A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.

- Denis Waitley

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.

- Desmond Morris

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

- Dorothy Parker

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.

- Douglas Adams

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.

- Dr. Seuss

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

- Dylan Thomas

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

- Doug Larson

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

- E. B. White

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

- Emo Philips

The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.

- Edward Abbey

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

- Dick Cavett

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

- Don Marquis

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

- Earl Wilson

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

- Ellen DeGeneres

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

- Emo Philips

Never have more children than you have car windows.

- Erma Bombeck

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

- Emo Philips

Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.

- Enid Blyton

A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

- George Bernard Shaw

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

- Fred Allen

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

- George Burns

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

- George Burns

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

- George Carlin

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!

- Groucho Marx

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

- George Carlin

Funny Thoughts in English

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

- George Carlin

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

- Fred Allen

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

- George Bernard Shaw

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

- Groucho Marx

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

- George Carlin

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

- George Burns

To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.

- George W. Bush

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.

- Gertrude Stein

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

- George Carlin`

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

- Groucho Marx

Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.

- Mitch Hedberg

It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.

- Harry S. Truman

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

- H. L. Mencken

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

- Harlan Ellison

It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

- Harry Hill

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

- Henny Youngman

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

- Henny Youngman

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

- Hillary Clinton

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.'

- Homer Simpson

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

- James Thurber

My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.

- Indira Gandhi

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

- Isaac Asimov

I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.

- J. Paul Getty

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

- Jack Benny

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.

- Jane Wagner

Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.

- Janet Evanovich

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

- Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

- Groucho Marx

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

- Jerry Seinfeld

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

- Jay Leno

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.

- Jean Rostand

Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

- Jerry Seinfeld

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

- Mark Twain

Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.

- Jim Rohn

Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.

- Joan Collins

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

- John Barrymore

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

- John F. Kennedy

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

- Josh Billings

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.

- John Maynard Keynes

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.

- Josh Billings

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.

- Jim Harrison

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

- Kin Hubbard

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

- Lana Turner

I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.

- Mark Twain

A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.

- Laurence J. Peter

Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.

- Margaret Culkin Banning

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

- Lawrence Ferlinghetti

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

- Lily Tomlin

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

- Mark Twain

The road to success is always under construction.

- Lily Tomlin

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.

- Mark Twain

Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.

- M. Scott Peck

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

- Kurt Vonnegut

The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.

- Karl Kraus

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

- Margaret Mead

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

- Mark Twain

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

- Mark Twain

Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.

- Mae West

Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.

- Martha Scott

In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. We’re only one God away from total agreement.

- Michael Shermer

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

– Mike Myers

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

- Miles Kington

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

- Milton Berle

I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

- Mitch Hedberg

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

- Norman Wisdom

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

- Mitch Hedberg

I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.

- Molly Ivins

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.

- Muhammad Ali

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

- Natalie Wood

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

- Milton Berle

It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

- Navjot Singh Sidhu

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

- Nicolas Chamfort

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.

- Oscar Wilde

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

- Norm Crosby

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

- Oscar Levant

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.

- Oscar Levant

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

- Les Dawson

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

- Oscar Levant

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

- Prince Philip

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

- Laurence J. Peter

Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.

- Oscar Wilde

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

-Will Ferrell

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

- Oscar Wilde

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

- Jack Handey

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

- David Letterman

Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.

- Ozzy Osbourne

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

- Paul Fix

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

- Paul R. Ehrlich

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.

- Peter Cook

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

- Phyllis Diller

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

- Oliver Herford

Man has his will, but woman has her way.

- Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

- Phyllis Diller

If you lived with a roommate as unstable as this economic system, you would’ve moved out or demanded that your roommate get professional help.

- Richard D. Wolff

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

- Adam Gropman

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

- Redd Foxx

The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.

- Reinhard Bonnke

I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

- Mitch Hedberg *

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

- Rita Mae Brown

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

- Robert Benchley

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

- Robin Williams

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

- Robert Bloch

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

- Robert Frost

As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

- Sir Norman Wisdom

When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.

- Larry

Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

- Robert Orben

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

- George Carlin

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

- Rodney Dangerfield

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

- Samuel Goldwyn

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

- Rodney Dangerfieldb

I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

- Chandler

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

- Rodney Dangerfield

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

- Ronald Reagan

I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.

- Samuel Goldwyn

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

- Ronald Reagan

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

- Sam Ewing

If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.

- Clark Griswold

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

- Oscar Wilde

I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.

- Scott Adams

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

- Rodney Dangerfield

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

- Rita Rudner

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

- Rob Cordry

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

- Scott Adams

I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

- Jerry Seinfeld

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.

- Si Robertson

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

- Sid Caesar

Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.

- Socrates

You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.

- Solomon Schechter

If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.

- Stan Laurel

There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.


Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.

- Stephen Colbert

Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.

- Steve Irwin

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

- Steven Wright

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

- Will Rogers

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- Steven Wright

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

- Thomas Sowell

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

- Steven Wright

The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the closer to home you are.

- Terry Pratchett

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.

- Theodore Roosevelt

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

- Thomas A. Edison

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

- W. C. Fields

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

- Thomas A. Edison

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”

- Jimmy Kimmel

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.

- Thomas Szasz

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

- Steve Martin

It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!

- Steven Weinberg

I hate women because they always know where things are.

- Voltaire

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

- W. C. Fields

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

- Steven Wright

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

- Walter Matthau

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

- Woody Allen

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

- William James

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

- Yogi Berra

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

- Winston Churchill

My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.

- Bobby Boucher

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

- Will Rogers

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

- Woody Allen

Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.

- Yakov Smirnoff

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

- Les Dawson

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.

- Mindy Kaling

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

- Abraham Lincoln

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

- W. C. Fields

We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

- W. H. Auden

You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

- Yogi Berra

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.

- Zig Ziglar

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

- Jack Handey

Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.

- Lt. Frank Drebin

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

-Will Ferrell

You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

- Joan Rivers

Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.

President Merkin Muffley